I'm going to tell you why I'm the way I am. Know now that this is not me making excuses for the things I've done...or the people I've hurt.
Ever since I was little, I've been living a lie. My 'happy family' setting wasn't all it seemed. There were cracks... a lot of them. My mum and dad never had the sort of relationship other parents had. But obviously I was young and naive and didn't realise how bad it was till I was old enough to understand. My parents got divorced, the biggest lie of the family was released and me and my sisters understood why it had to happen. My parents then fought over the house, Both refusing to leave. They wouldn't talk to each other. My mum wouldn't cook for him. Or even let him sit with us at the table. Finally my sisters made the decision for them. They wanted to live with my dad. So, he got the house.
I moved with my mum, they gave me the option but I didn't really have a choice, I couldn't leave my mum on her own, and both of my sisters stayed with my dad. My mum would talk to me about all the horrible things my dad had done, and my dad did the same for her. It's hard hearing the first and only loving relationship you've known falling apart and becoming something evil.
I think the divorce made my view of love mutated and confused. The reasons for there divorce confused me and didn't understand how two people who were once so much in love could suddenly hate each other. Obviously as I grew older I found out the truths and realised it had occurred much earlier than I had thought.
For years my parents used me as a messenger to each other. My mum would make me tell my dad things, my dad would make me tell my mum things. Why they couldn't just talk to each other?
My mum always enjoyed drink. I would have to ask if it was safe to drink her coke just in case it had vodka in it. I'd made the mistake before. There was always a bottle of vodka in the house somewhere. I slept in my mums bed every night since they got divorced. I was scared to be in the room on my own (also we had no heating so body heat was the best we had) I'd wake up in the early hours without my mum lying next to me and would go downstairs to find her fallen asleep on the sofa, vodka and coke on the floor, fag burning through her dressing gown. I didn't realise this wasn't normality till I was a bit older.
My mum finally got a boyfriend, Neil. Neil was lovely, he was like a best friend. We had fun together, he moved us into a lovely new house, took us on wonderful holidays. My mum started acting strange, I started to notice she was getting ill a lot. I had to take days off to look after her. She said she had stomach problems, she lied. She was drinking more and more every week. Then, I started noticing when I turned the TV on when I got home it was on a different channel than when I turned it off before school. I asked my mum if she'd been home. She said no. I could tell she was lying. She continued to lie to me for months. Then a T.A from the school she worked at came to the door and gave me a card and flowers and said we'll miss her at work. She'd quit 2 months ago.
Neil got angry, he was paying for everything, and even though she was home all day every day she didn't clean or even move from the TV. They argued every day. I tried to help but it wasn't possible. She'd ruined everything. I couldn't take it, so I moved in with my dad leaving her with Neil. She didn't talk to me for a year. She wouldn't talk to anyone.
She moved into my nans house. She was 6 stone, an alcoholic. She'd nearly killed herself. It's been hard for me to make a connection with her ever since. She'd destroyed the amazingly strong relationship we had before. There was nothing, no love, no trust... nothing.
The people I loved, the only relationships I'd seen were messed up, not how they should be.
I push the people I care for most away when they get too close, because I'm so scared they're going to leave me, hurt me or destroy themselves because of me. I feel like a disease, because since I was little the relationships I've seen have crashed and burned around me. I blamed me, I blame me.
I lie, a lot. So much that now I don't remember what's the truth and what's not.
Every proper relationship I've had has ended badly, because of me. I get worried, and start looking to other men for security. I think I get to a point in every relationship and think 'He's bored of me now, he's gonna leave, find someone better' So I try and find another man to be there so I'm not alone. But, in doing this it makes the relationship crash and burn. They get jealous, I get angry. I mean, since the whole thing with my mum I've always made sure there have been men around me. When I look back I usually make around 3 guys be there. I pull them in close and then I know they're there.
I say I've been in bad relationships, with bad boyfriends. But it's me, it's always me. I push them to the point where they doubt there worth. I make them what I want them to be, monsters. Just so they leave me, or most of the time I leave them so they don't get the chance to hurt me.
This is me in text form. Hate me.
